Whiskey Joe's Bar and Grill

10 Wrestling Matches Non Wrestling Fans Should Watch

2009-08-02T23:11:00.008-05:00

Despite popular belief, I am not crazy.

I totally understand that pro wrestling isn't for everyone.

Those who love it (like me) will never be convinced of it's ridiculousness and those who hate it will never be convinced that it is anything of value. There are some, however, who may be undecided about wrestling. Some may remember the heyday of the 1980's, when Hulk Hogan was a household name and wrestling was extremely accessible but may have fallen out with it over the years. And then there are some who may not have had any exposure to it whatsoever.

This list is for all of them...if they exist. For those hypothetical, curious folks, I have compiled a list of ten matches that I think they should see that will shed some light on this strange form of entertainment that fans love so damn much.

Note: These are in no particular order and are not necessarily to be considered some of my favorite matches. I just felt they were good representations of the different facets of the wrestling world.

Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

Venue: WrestleMania 24

These two names are legendary in the realm of pro wrestling. Michaels has earned the nickname of "The Showstopper" thanks to his arsenal of high-flying moves and his impeccable showmanship. Ric Flair is, simply, Ric Flair. He is indescribable. This match may not be one of his personal bests, since he's much older and, in my opinion, past his prime, but these two truly put everything they have into this match. Also, this match is a great example of what wrestling insiders call "telling a story in the ring". Even if you didn't watch the weekly programs leading up to this pay-per-view, you learned everything you needed to know about the storyline during the match itself. An absolute classic match.

Match: Mankind vs. The Undertaker

Venue: King of the Ring 1998

This match is the wrestling equivalent of a destruction derby. These two guys simply beat the shit out of each other. This is the match that cemented both of these two characters' careers and demonstrates the level of violence that is possible in the world of wrestling. There have been matches that were more extreme (barbed wire anyone?) but I feel that this match is brutal without being sadistic. There's a little more skill involved in this one than in some other hardcore matchups. A very exciting match.

Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant

Venue: WrestleMania 3

I'll go out on a limb and say that this is probably the most well known match in wrestling history. It's a classic example of a "supermatch". Hulk Hogan was riding a wave of popularity never before seen while Andre the Giant was undefeated for his entire career up to that point. It's not the most technical of matches as the two wrestlers here were not known to have a deep move set, but it's the psychology and the emotional buildup that made this match legendary.

Match: Royal Rumble Match

Venue: Royal Rumble 1992

Royal Rumble matches can be described best as organized chaos. 30 wrestlers are involved and enter the ring one at a time in two minute intervals. The object of the match is to eliminate all other wrestlers by throwing them out of the ring over the top rope with the last man standing being declared the winner. It's one of the many ways that wrestling promoters add variety to wrestling shows. I always loved these matches because it let you see all of the company's stars in one night. Definitely a fun match, with this one in particular being one of the best iterations.

Match: The Hart Foundation vs. The Nasty Boys

Venue: WrestleMania 7

Tag team wrestling is another different match type that has it's own psychology and it's own feel to it. This match is a perfect example of the team dynamic, showing off tag team psychology and moves. Tag team wrestling vs. singles wrestling is like Arnold Schwarzenegger movies vs. Bruce Lee movies: they're both action movies with tons of fights, but the methods and execution of each are totally different. This match is also beneficial in showing how referees and managers play a huge part in the wrestling experience.

Match: Classic Survivor Series Match - Team Austin vs. Team Bischoff

Venue: Survivor Series 2003

Yet another unique match type. In Survivor Series matches, teams of four or five compete tag team style. However, when one wrestler is pinned, he is eliminated from the team but the match still continues until one team is left standing. These matches combine tag team and singles match tension and drama in a different package. There aren't many of them anymore, but they're still fun.

Match: Kaientai vs. The Oddities

Venue: SummerSlam 1999

Ok, anyone with wrestling knowledge is now scratching their heads at this one. These two groups were jokes. Literally. They were only created as comic relief and weren't all that great as wrestlers (aside from Taka Michinoku - great lightweight Japanese wrestler). This match is here to show that wrestling knows it's goofy and it embraces that goofiness. Sure, certain wrestlers do nothing but scream (Triple H) and try to make everything they do seem intense and serious (Triple H), but in the end, people in the wrestling business know that they're looked at as silly and really don't have a problem with that. That's all this match is - silly, humorous, and fun.

Match: Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guererro

Venue: Armageddon 2002

It might not be P.C. to talk about Chris Benoit anymore, but damn, that man could wrestle! These two guys were very skilled at the technical aspect of wrestling. After watching a match with either of these two entertainers, no one could ever doubt the athleticism it takes to do the things that they do. Other wrestlers could get by on fake brawling (Triple H) and over-the-top acting (Triple H...are you sensing a bitterness I have towards this guy?) but Benoit and Guererro took pride in using everything at their disposal to make their matches look like a finely choreographed dance. Their in-ring work is second to none.

Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn

Venue: ECW Living Dangerously 1999

ECW was synonymous with hyper-violence and bloodshed, but these two wrestlers showed that not all extreme wrestling had to be gory. They were high-flying daredevils that would throw each other all over the ring area and leap from any height to attack each other. There's a kind of neutered version of this style of wrestling utilized to this day, but the only thing that comes close is the X-Division matches of TNA - and even they don't truly compare. It was a fast-paced, high-risk, hard hitting type of wrestling that may never be seen again.

Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon

Venue: WrestleMania 10

Revolutionary is the only word that can describe this match. So many matches have taken their cue from this one. It was a ladder match - the Intercontinental Championship was hung up over the ring and to win the match, one wrestler had to climb a ladder and retrieve it. Basically, it was a gimmick match with a big prop, but man, did these guys make the most of this prop! They did all kinds of terrible things to each other with it. There have been tons of ladder matches since this one, but it is still the best by far.

Enjoy with an open mind!

Whiskey Joe's CRAPTASM #2

2009-07-23T17:57:00.008-05:00

Today's crap: Silent Rage

Why it's crap: It stars Chuck Norris. No offense to him (I loves ya', Chucky!) but his movies are the definition of crap.

Breakdown: This little gem was released in the year 1982. This is significant because in this year the world was also gifted with the birth of yours truly. Are these two events related? Of course not. I just think it's cool

This Norris tale is kind of odd when compared to the rest of his filmography. I had actually never seen this movie before preparing it for the CRAPTASM, but after watching it, it seemed to resemble another Norris classic (and, I'm sure, an eventual induction) Hero and the Terror. Chuck's not fighting terrorists or the mob in this flick - he's fighting a genetically engineered psychopath.

Because of that, I lovingly refer to this flick as "Walker, Texas X-Files".

We are introduced to our cuddly little killer in some sort of halfway house in which he lives. As he wakes for another beautiful day, however, we immediately realize that something's wrong.

Terribly wrong. (Dun, dun, DAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!)

The psycho starts his day off by grabbing an axe and murdering the annoying woman who runs the halfway house as well as some random guy that tries to stop him. This might not have been the best way to show us how terrible this guy is, however, as after seeing the place in which he lives, I don't think too many people would blame him for going nucking futs and killing everyone.

That place would drive anyone to homicide.

But who can bring this maniac to justice, you ask?

CHUCK! DEFENDER OF THE REALM!

After a small tussle, good old Chuck hogties the psycho and throws him into the nearest squad car.

I think there were other cops in this scene, but if there were, they didn't do shit. They're probably so used to Chuck handling everything from shoplifters to Godzilla that they don't even respond to 911 calls anymore...

Wait a second...is that Flounder from Animal House?

IT IS!!!!!!

Flounder is Chuck's deputy!

This film has just earned 1000 points for inspired casting. Dr. Frankenstein himself couldn't have put this combination together!

Anyway, psycho boy gets loose and has to be put down. He's immediately taken to the research hospital where his therapist works but, alas, they cannot save him. They do, however, decide to inject the dead nutjob with some super secret purple serum, since they haven't been allowed to test it on live human subjects yet.

Why do they do this? Because they can, silly!

That's just what I'd like to happen to me when I die: "Time of death, 10:43. Now, nurse, go grab that purple shit and let's see what it does!"

While the doctors experiment on Manson and Gacy's lovechild, Chuck and Flounder get themselves in a variety of hi jinks, mainly involving the jive-talkin' redneck biker and his crew.

No, no...I'm serious...this guy to your left talks like a 70's era pimp.

Apparently, as late as 1982, bikers just drove around causing trouble and harassing anyone they pleased.

Why do they do this in Chuck's town? Because they can, silly!

After Chuck slaps the shit out of the jive soul bro and his posse (and after Flounder hits puberty by seeing his first pair of biker babe boobs) we are updated on the condition of our friendly neighborhood psychopath.

He's alive! And completely healed! And the serum has made him indestructible! Anyone else think this is a bad idea? No? OK, then: HOORAY FOR SCIENCE!!!!!!!! His first order of business now that he's back from the dead?

Kill his therapist, of course!

That guy was totally useless. I mean, he was always babbling on about "not killing people" and stuff. Jeez, what a square.

Side note: Ron Silver kept that exact position for this entire scene. Completely motionless with his eyes wide open. Color me impressed.

So when the doctors realize that their enhanced killing machine is...an enhanced killing machine, they decide to destroy him with...

...BOILING ACID!

Does sulfuric acid boil and bubble? I think I would have remembered chemistry class as being more exciting if it did.

Nice labelling system these guys have, too.

It obviously fails. Why? Oh, I don't know, maybe because they gave him UNLIMITED REGENERATION. These science guys may know formulas and chemicals, but they can't remember anything! They try and kill a man that they made indestructible, then just loiter around the "corpse", seemingly waiting for him to come back and kill them. LEAVE, MORONS!!! RUN AWAY!!! Or, better yet, chop him up into little pieces. Do I have to think up everything?

So psycho kills the other two doctors, but he crosses the line after bear hugging Flounder to death. That just pisses Chuck off. They battle out of the hospital and up the road to a shack in the woods. Finally, after slapping the shit out of the psycho for a few minutes, Chuck pulls out his best John Cena impression and gives Looney Tunes a big old FU into the nearby well.

(For the non wrestling fan, search for John Cena on youtube and you'll understand the reference)

All is settled and the world is right again. I mean, no one could survive that kind of fall, right?

Oh, wait. Yeah. I forgot. Indestructible.

Well, Chuck, you better go get some concrete for that well...

Summation: Silent Rage is a strange mash up of a C slasher flick and a B action flick, but, somehow, it pulls it off. It's insanely enjoyable for all of its cliches and ridiculous plot devices and is definitely one of Chuck's best movies. Although, that might not be saying much...

VERDICT: Craptastically Awesome

2009-07-21T17:44:00.003-05:00

One of these people is a fictional character. The other is a real person living among us. Both of them are attention whores.

Art imitating life? Or life imitating art?

Reality Shows that I WOULD Watch

2009-06-29T20:02:00.005-05:00

I don't watch TV much anymore. There just aren't that many shows that I care enough about to commit myself to keeping track of. I'm also not a fan of schedules. I want to watch things at my leisure, not be told when I have to tune in. So any shows I do watch are on DVD, which makes them not quite as new as what everyone else is talking about at the water cooler.

The major reason I stay away from television, though, is that it's completely gone to shit. Now, I like biographies and other non-fiction shows. I also really love game shows (Wipeout = favorite game show of all time). However, I cannot stand "reality" television. Even competition shows like Hell's Kitchen or Shear Genius bother me. If these shows were just about the competition, they'd be great. The people who go on these shows are very talented and I always enjoy seeing someone excel at something that I could never do. Unfortunately, the producers feel the need to interview these vapid, half brain-dead pricks and, inevitably, they're all smart-ass, cocky egomaniacs. I don't care what's going through their minds during the show. I just want to see what they can do.

Ultimately, my dad put it best when he said that "reality" television is not reality. As soon as these people know the camera is turned on them, they act differently than they normally would - for better or worse. Some people are attention whores (Heidi and Spencer - I refuse to call them "Speidi") who ham up their immature nature in order to stay relevant. Because, really, if they weren't such deplorable people, who the hell would care about them? Others are just morons who can barely form a sentence. It's unfortunate that we, as an audience, have allowed the networks to dumb us down so much that we think these shows and their organized, scripted "drama" are entertaining.

They're not.

No, no, no...don't argue...they are not entertaining.

We've all been duped. The networks realize that they can get away with cheap, disposable programs because we refuse to turn off our TVs in protest. It's expensive to produce a quality show and since we apathetic Americans don't care enough to send a message to them of our disgust, they know they can put any old crap in front of us, and we'll consume it. Television lineups are abysmal now. If they're not making a new reality show, it's a cookie cutter sitcom about a goofy, slacker husband and his nagging, hot wife or it's a ripoff of another, better show.

USA is the only network, in my opinion, that's taking chances on new shows. Monk, Psych, and Burn Notice are the most original, exciting, and (say it isn't so!) WELL MADE shows on the air today (and I'm sad that Monk will soon be no more). Interesting characters, quirky dialogue, and a commitment to quality set these shows apart from everything else I've seen lately. There are a few other shows of note (Castle, House, Dexter) but not much really catches my eye. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I want variety in television programming. Unfortunately, the quirky shows are usually cast aside for ones that are "safe", regardless of the fanbase.

So, if the network big wigs refuse to let the "reality" show fad die, here are some of my humble suggestions for new shows that I'm sure would attract many new viewers to the genre.

Jon and Kate plus Flamethrower
It's come out now that their marriage is a sham and the show has been a lie upheld to maintain their fame/infamy, so why not just redesign the format? After the divorce, have a season long gauntlet deathmatch over custody of the kids! Think of the possibilities! Each episode is a different battle scenario (team warfare, MMA match, joust) with the finale taking place inside the THUNDERDOME! "Two parents enter! One parent leaves!!!!" That'd be glorious...

I'm a Celebrity, Stop Kicking My Ass!
Each week, the "celebrities" will be beaten by various people with various objects. The longer they last each session without shouting "I'm a celebrity, stop kicking my ass!!!" the more money their charities receive. Home viewers vote on the contestants that will be beaten, the special guests administering the beatings, and the objects used. And, to make it even more interesting, each week will have a Pee-Wee's Playhouse type "secret word". Whenever a celebrity utters the secret word, they are thrashed about the head and shoulders with a kendo stick.

Imagining Sanjaya or Spencer/Heidi being wailed on and screaming the show's title just tickles me.

Keeping Up with the Kardashian Body Count
Step one: Throw the entire worthless family on a deserted island. Step two: Hire mercenaries to hunt them down a la The Most Dangerous Game. Step three: Profit!!!

Judge Dredd
Best. Courtroom show. Ever. Eat your heart out Judy, Mathis, and Joe Brown. Judge Dredd is the only courtroom to dispense true justice.

"He stole my patio furniture when we broke up!"
"She cheated on my with my goat!"
"GUILTY!" Blam Blam Blam!!!!!!

Next case...

New York Goes to Hell
Ummm........yeah. I don't really have anything witty here. I just think she should go to hell. No elaborate set-up. Just a bullet to the skull.

Love Barge
Take all the skanky, scuzzy, losers that go on those shitty "love" shows (Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, Flavor of Love, etc.), put them on a boat and take them far, far out to sea. Conduct the show as usual, but after every elimination, the losing contestant is cast out into the dark abyss with a custom pair of cement Nikes. I see a win/win situation here: people who actually like these shows can still watch them, but the morons who go on them are guaranteed never to procreate. Or get a spin off. Like New York. (Title for this show blatantly ripped off of a Denis Leary song)

America's Next Top Model
I'd actually keep this show relatively the same.

I'd just change what they were modelling...

A Shot in the Mouth with Tila Tequila
God, I love double entendres! I don't mean this in the pornographic sense, however. I just want her to be punched in the jaw on a weekly basis. "Aren't I fun and sassy?" Biff! Zap! Kapowie!

Paris Hilton's My New STD
Ok. This was just a cheap joke at her expense. As far as I'm concerned, she should never be shown on TV again.

The Real Housewives of Elm Street
Take all the horrible, horrible people that go on WifeSwap, Trading Spouses, and all the Real Housewives shows and give them each a condo on the infamous Elm Street. As they argue, bicker, bitch, and fight, Freddy Krueger will eliminate them one by one in increasingly humorous and grotesque ways. Hey, Richard Englund needs work, dammit, and these skanks are taking up valuable airtime!

Bad People Having Bad Things Done to Them
Because there are so many horrible reality shows, and I'd hate to give them all their own time slot even for their own demise, this program is sort of a catch-all for those that I've missed. People from The Hills, Bridezillas, Bad Girl's Club, Charm School, My Super Sweet 16, and From G's to Gents would all get sent here. I picture this as a kind of game show. Have you ever seen the Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Farley where he accidentally gets put on a Japanese game show where wrong answers equal pain (cut off fingers, electrocution, etc.)? This would be kind of like that. And since most of the contestants would have the IQ of a bowl of mashed potatoes, there's be plenty of punishment to go around.

What Not to Wear to a Funeral
With all this death on television now, I think we need some tips on how to look hot but still be respectful at the various funerals we'll be attending.

Hey, it's not like we're all that far away from these shows as it stands now.

Later
WJ

Whiskey Joe's CRAPTASM #1

2009-06-24T12:06:00.003-05:00

I make no bones about it - I love bad movies. Cheesy, corny, ridiculous movies can be more fun than anything else you can rent. They are a gamble, however - there's a fine line between crappy good and crappy bad. Very fine. One D-list actor or cartoon-looking monster effect can ruin the fun for everyone.

That's where I come in.

I navigate the murky waters of cinema's swampland so you don't have to. Whiskey Joe's CRAPTASM is a column devoted to bad movies: straight to DVD flicks, bombed summer blockbusters, and anything with Steven Seagal.

The two minutes spent here could save your life. Or, at least, save you time and money on a crappy movie.

This week's CRAPTASM: The Specialist
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone, James Woods, Eric Roberts, and Rod Steiger

Sylvester Stallone is no stranger to bad movies – he’s made a ton. For every Rocky he makes there are about three that I’m sure he wishes he wouldn’t have signed on for. Now, as I’ve said before, I love bad movies, so Stallone holds a special place in my heart (almost as high as Jean-Claude Van-Damme and Dolph Lundgren, but not quite). When Stallone makes a bad movie, he goes all out. I think this is why I like him so much – he never half-asses anything. When he makes a movie, it’s all or nothing. So, in that sense, I respect him even in defeat.

And, man, was The Specialist a defeat.

In this film, Stallone plays a military explosives specialist who, after turning in his kill-crazy partner (James Woods) takes odd jobs blowing shit up for anyone who pays him. Sharon Stone plays a woman who is seeking revenge on the Cuban mafia that killed her parents when she was just a child. Stone seeks out Stallone to make these guys dead and, of course, plot twists and action abound.

First of all, this has to be the most anti-climactic action movie ever made. At no point during this movie did I think Stallone’s character was in any danger of failing or being captured or killed. In fact, Stallone navigates every trouble with relative ease…and a formidable amount of high explosives.

What’s that? A woman wants you to kill the men that killed her parents? BOOM.

Your old military partner has gone psycho and now wants you dead? BOOM.

The mob and police have tracked you to your hideout? BIG BADA-BOOM.

In fact, I’d love to see this character’s day to day behavior: The milk cooler door at the grocery store is stuck. BOOM. That asshole took my parking spot. BOOM. I’d like a number 3 minus ketchup, please. BOOM.

Really, the explosions in this movie are the main character. No one else comes close to being as exciting as they are. There’s no middle-boss fight in this movie. Hell, there’s no end-boss fight. There’s just Stallone. Pushing the little red button. Making things go boom.

It’s a good thing the explosions were there, though. If they weren’t, you’d think this was a porno. Why’s that? Because Sharon Stone’s in it, silly! The first hour of the movie has Stallone pretty much stalking her while listening to recordings of her voice from their phone conversations. You see, he follows her to make sure her she’s legitimate and not trying to set him up, but we all know the real reason. The only thing missing from this relationship was Sly calling her up and saying, “It’s me again, Margaret.”

BTW – if you don’t get that last joke, google “It’s me again, Margaret.” It’ll make perfect sense. And it’s funny, I promise.

Stone’s job in this movie is to have sex and show her boobs/nipples throughout the flick. This was at the height of her sexy phase after Basic Instinct, and I must admit, she still had it in spades here. However, the sexiness this movie attempts is just…odd. The weirdest scene has her doing a strange type of striptease/bump-and-grind/jazzercise dance during one of Stallone’s calls to her. There’s no discernable reason for it. She’s just…grinding. It’s so random and obligatory; you’d totally turn off the TV if your parents walked in.

“I swear, mom, it’s a Stallone movie!!!”

James Woods is the reason to see this movie, though. His villain is so completely over the top that it is hilarious. The scenes where he’s berating the Miami police’s bomb squad are priceless. Although, he’s not as hilarious as Rod Steiger’s attempt at a Cuban accent. I really don’t know why any producer thinks it’s a good idea to cast white guys as Latinos. It never works unless you’re trying to be goofy with it – like Willem Dafoe in Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

Two things save this movie from being the first induction in the Craptasm hall of shame: James Woods and all the BOOMs.

Verdict: Crappy Good

Sharing is Caring

2009-06-18T23:19:00.002-05:00

Feel my pain.

I make some money by reviewing movies for a French website. My latest flick was Hannah Montana: The Movie.

I was pretty much in hell the entire time.

Here's my review.

WJ

Hannah Montana: The Movie

I’m fairly certain that whatever I say here about this movie will have no effect on whether or not people go to see it. Parents will inevitably take their kids by the dozens to watch Hannah sing about the “best of both worlds” and the kids will be awestruck and thrilled. In that regard, I feel that I’m not so much writing a movie review as I am writing a public service announcement. Parents: be prepared for a horrible movie.

Hannah Montana: The Movie follows Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) as she attempts to balance her two lives as low-key country girl Miley and glamorous pop sensation Hannah Montana. After Hannah’s celebrity status begins to go to her head, her father (Billy Ray Cyrus) decides that she needs a wake up call. Under the guise of flying to New York, he takes her to her home town of Crowley Corners, Tennessee to attempt to show her the important things in life.

This movie was not easy to watch and even more difficult to review. It might be a bit mean of me to bash a kids’ movie, but as far as I’m concerned, a bad movie is a bad movie. At no point in this film did I laugh. There were pratfalls galore and the obligatory “I have to be in two places as two different people at the same time” scene, but nothing here is original or creative. The plot is paper thin and, thanks to all the music breaks (which I’ll detail in a moment), barely even exists. Everything here seems stale and recycled. I don’t have a problem with predictable movies. However, I cannot forgive a move that is lazily written.

Generally, the actors played their roles rather convincingly. However, when Miley and her father decide to slip back into their country roots they gain this annoyingly overdone southern accent. I, personally, refuse to believe that Billy Ray Cyrus says “wheee, doggies” as much in real life as he does in this movie. The filmmakers want us to believe that this is how the characters naturally sound, but the accents are so fake that it’s almost as if they’re mocking southerners. Very annoying.

Speaking of annoying, I understand that a movie in which the lead character is a singer will have some music in it, but there were too many song breaks here. I can accept that at some point the lead character/pop singer will have to put on a concert. Hannah Montana sings at four during the film. There are also at least two musical montages to cover up gaps in the script. The most ridiculous moment, however, is when Miley tells her father what’s making her sad – BY SINGING HIM A SONG SHE WROTE ABOUT IT. The music is so off-putting that any adult will be able to instantly see that the movie wasn’t created for entertainment. Rather, it was created to sell albums.

Perhaps I’m too old to appreciate a movie like this, but I believe that children’s films don’t have to be cheap pieces of entertainment. There are many Disney films that I have enjoyed right along with the small child sitting in front of me in the theatre. Unfortunately, adults will not be pleased when they take their children to see Hannah Montana: The Movie. While the children will assuredly be laughing and dancing, the parents will be rolling their eyes and keeping one eye on their watch.

Movies to Sleep by...

2009-06-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

Many times, my mind races at a mile a minute, so falling asleep can be difficult. Laying in the dark, I can stay up for hours pondering whatever project my days are occupied with. That is why most nights I put in a movie or turn on some music to distract my brain. Here are some of my favorite movies to fall asleep to.

My criteria:

I can't put in a movie that I haven't seen before - defeats the purpose.
I typcally don't put in a movie that I'm really in the mood to watch - again, this defeats the purpose.
Action movies work better than any other genre becuase you don't have to pay as much attention to them in general.

The movies:

Street Fighter
Rambo: First Blood Part 2
Rambo 3
The Running Man
Conan the Destroyer
Missing in Action
Showdown in Little Tokyo
Commando
Any of my Steven Seagal movies
Bloodsport
The Scorpion King
Batman and Robin
Eraser

You may have noticed a pattern there...

Later
WJ

An Overall Update

2009-06-16T19:44:00.002-05:00

Here I sit, watching First Blood for the first time from start to finish (I've always caught clips of it here and there on TV), not really knowing what to type here, but feeling that I'm overdue for some explanations...

...there is too much; let me sum up.

Things are pretty shitty. I'm still waiting to hear back about the teaching jobs I've applied to. In the meantime, not even Wal-Mart will hire me temporarily. Tons of places have claimed to have job vacancies, but none have so much as bit their thumb at me. In the mean time, I've been going stir crazy. However, this has given me some time to work on other projects, some of which I'll be unveiling rather soon. I'm trying to keep positive; keeping my head down and finding something to do. Adding to the mild depression I go through every other hour or so is the fact that Kelly is at home in Chicago and I can't see her.

On a random note, the movie just ended and man I wish I would've watched this sooner. Excellent flick. My dad always hated the ending, where Stallone breaks down in tears, but I think it added some interesting depth to compliment all the ass-kicking Rambo had been doing for the past two hours.

I will say this, however - I'm glad the Hollywood standard of ending movies with personalized power ballads is dead because...damn, they can be painful to listen to. First Blood and Rambo: First Blood Part 2 both have some horrible end credit music.

It seems as though I only complain on this blog, so I've decided to do something different with it. I'm going to start with posting some of the movie reviews I've been writing (the only money I make). I just watched Gran Torino again last night and it was still awesome.

I guess that's all for now.

Later
WJ

Lately

2009-01-14T19:59:00.002-06:00

Just throwing out an update - nothing too witty here.

I started my student teaching, and it's going rather well. The students I have are a little vocal and rowdy at times, but mainly they're just striving for attention, so they shouldn't be a problem (not like the students I observed last semester). The cooperating teacher is very laid back and down to earth - which is good for calming my nerves, but not good for trying to figure out what to teach when I finally take the class over. He's so relaxed, comfortable, and organized in his own method of teaching that he doesn't have a laid out unit plan - he has a curriculum guide and plans his lessons a week in advance. He's a very smart man and has tons of experience teaching (which helps in his "winging it" method since all the information he needs is in his head) but, as previously stated, this helps me not. Needless to say, that makes me a bit nervous; I'd like to know what parts of the lessons I'll be teaching in two or three weeks so I can at least start thinking about it. I'm sure it'll work out fine, but for now I'm just a bit concerned.

We've already had one snow day (my second day there) and I'm thinking that tomorrow will be another (many schools are already closed fearing that it will be too cold for students at bus stops).

I still can't find a job - even after finding two that, in theory, would work perfectly for me. The local video store was looking for someone to work part-time as their game expert because the people working there now aren't gamers and a friend referred me to a local restaurant that her brother owns. Neither, however, has called.

Maybe I should start beating up my students for their lunch money...

Later,
WJ

True Love

2009-01-03T01:11:00.003-06:00

Here's an anecdote I meant to post a while back, but as you all know I fell out of the blogging groove and simply neglected to write it.

A few months back, I discovered true love as I was preparing for school one morning. I had come out of the bathroom to see Isis (cat #1) staring down the room at Sebastian (cat #2) who was huddled in the far corner. This in and of itself was not a strange occurrence. However, Stinky (cat #3) was standing next to Sebastian, also staring. This was where I started to raise an eyebrow, because both Isis and Stinky were staring out of concern (on a side note, it is said that animals don't have emotions but I refuse that notion entirely - one look in the eyes of a cat, especially mine, and no one can refute the concept of animal emotions). I walked over to see what Sebastian was doing and noticed that he was breathing rather quickly. He was also shaking, and his eyes darted around the room in panic.

He was also frothing at the mouth.

Immediately, I did what any concerned pet owner would do - I panicked right along with him. Grabbing some paper towels, I proceeded to wipe away the foaming drool from his mouth, thinking perhaps he had just gotten something stuck in his jowls which caused this excess saliva.

This large amount of rabies-like saliva.

"No, no," I kept telling myself. "Don't think that. It's not rabies." Sebastian, however, kept frothing and darting around the room, completely freaked out. "Don't animals with rabies act erratic too?" I asked myself. "HE DOESN'T HAVE RABIES!" I screamed in my mind. "For Christ's sake, the little bastard never leaves this room! The only things he heats are cat food, cat treats, and cardboard - none of which cause rabies. He drinks pure, clear, refreshing Columbia tap water and practices his competitive napping at least twelve hours a day. There's no possible way he could have rabies!"

The frothing continues.

I then beckoned my mother to help, especially since I needed to leave very soon (I was going to Cahokia High School for observation, something that could not be postponed or rescheduled) and feared a vet trip was needed. As mom took a look at the little spaz and his surroundings, her latent powers of deduction showed their potency.

"What's this?" she asked picking up the tiny red geltab from the ground outside my bathroom. Immediately, the truth slapped me like a Ric Flair knife-edged chop (Woooooooo!). About 20-30 minutes earlier, I had set out my morning vitamins in the bathroom, got sidetracked by something else, and left them there. Sebastian, my poor little frenzied fruitcake - my sad, strange little simpleton - had eaten my vitamin C tablet.

The little shithead had eaten my goddamn vitamin.

A quick call to the vet confirmed that vitamin C is harmless to little kitties (even really dumb ones) and all was well. The main inspiration I took away from this story, however, was the fact that through the entire ordeal, Isis and Stinky never left Sebastian's side. They were genuinely concerned for him and followed him all about the basement in order to see if he was alright. These cats, who fight each other on a near daily basis, mind you, demonstrated true love in its purest form. I will now attempt to put this affection into words so that we can possibly learn from these wise and noble creatures in our continual struggle to become better humans.

True love is standing beside your friends and family......even if you think they have rabies.

WJ

No Resolutions - More Executions

2009-01-02T02:25:00.002-06:00

No, I'm not advocating more instances of capital punishment, just trying to fancy up my writing with a cool, rhyming, and mysterious title.

I've never liked the idea of New Year's Resolutions. It's the same type of argument that many have with Valentine's Day - why should these things happen only once a year? If something's important to you (i.e. losing weight, being more organized, etc.) you shouldn't have to make a resolution to get yourself to do it. I know, I know - that's a fairly naive and optimistic view of human nature, but I do feel that New Year's Resolutions are mostly hot air (at least, from me they are). I always hate talking about the things I want to do. More often than not, if I talk about something too much, I don't end up doing it and feel like an idiot.

This time, however, I do like the idea of wiping my slate clean. Most of y'all know that the past year hasn't been the kindest to me and mine. That is the appeal of the new year, however - nothing from the previous year counts anymore. It's all done and over with. Sure, there are continuing/lingering issues, but the mistakes, bad calls, and near misses are wiped clean. We're only two days into 2009, but here's what I've seen so far.

- My parents are still driving me nuts, and will seemingly continue to do so.
- I love my girlfriend more than ever, and will also continue to do so.
- In a kind of symbolic gesture, I've cleaned and cleaned out my bedroom. There are areas of carpet that I haven't seen in two years....that's not an exaggeration, either.
- I stumbled upon a job opportunity working with video games and actually feel pretty good about the possibility of landing it.
- The hours in the day still don't seem nearly long enough.

Even though I make no resolutions (as the title says) I plan on simply doing more (hence the execution in the other half of the title). Writing more, filming more, visiting more, playing more, watching more. Just...more.

Who knows? Maybe I'll finally finish one of my scripts. Maybe I'll get around to reading the countless books on my shelf that have remained unopened since their purchase. Maybe I'll try some new things this year. Skating (roller or ice), sports leagues, threesomes.

Whoops, did I say that out loud? (Just joking, honey.)

This is our time, and we are capable of making anything of it. I'm not much for cheesy inspirational posters (I'll have none in my classroom) but I do like the ones based on Marvel comic characters. Somehow, they don't seem cheesy - they just work. I'll end this sloppy return to blogging with one of my favorites that comes on the Magneto poster.

"Within me lies infinite power...Before me, endless possibilities...Decisions...Decisions...Decisions"

Later,
WJ

Don't Get Even, Get Mad

2008-09-23T20:59:00.004-05:00

I have to apologize to my friends - I have not been myself lately. And in all honesty, I'm not sure when I'll completely be myself again.

Bad things happen. Shit happens. There's nothing to be done about it. There's no justice in the world - I know this. I don't expect the world to magically change overnight into gumdrops and rainbows. Life must go on through the problems.

I don't want to go into details at this moment - I dislike talking about things until I have a firm grasp on what's happening and how to deal with it. That's silly, I know. Talking about it may help me figure out how to deal with it. But I'm a Schmid - and we're stubborn pricks sometimes.

My home is in turmoil. I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat it: it's some serious shit. A collection of problems crashed down at once. I don't claim that our problems are more or less than anyone else's. I'm sure there are many others in the world that are in far worse shape than me and my family. That, however, doesn't change the fact that our problems are real. Others' suffering doesn't soothe our own.

I feel as if I'm tip-toeing on a knife's edge. I'm on the verge of something, but that something is a swinging door that could lead in two very different directions. Some days I feel like I'm on the threshold of something great. Other days I feel moments away from outright doom; as if the final nail is inches away from my coffin. If progress is defined as taking small steps towards your destination, then I'm standing at a freeway interchange: six lanes all leading to their own mysterious locales.

I'm very scared, and I have been for a while. It may seem silly to associate with a comic book character in times of trouble, but there is one that embodies what I feel and what I'm ultimately afraid of becoming.

"Y'see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push."

"One man is born a hero, his brother a coward. Babies starve, politicians grow fat. Holy men are martyred, and junkies grow legion. Why? Why, why, why, why, why? Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck!"

Drawing associations with Batman villains is a bit over dramatic, I know, but I feel one push away. One push away from something drastic. The world doesn't stop for problems. It doesn't slow down. In the end, it doesn't even care.

"It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for...it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?"

Today I realized just how derailed I've become; how much I've changed emotionally by trying to sort through this mess on my own. I'm filling out paperwork to get an appointment with the counseling service at SIUE but, to be honest, I have my doubts about it. I'm not disparaging the therapist profession or those who utilize it, but once my session is over, these problems will still be here, waiting for me like a gang of thugs in a dark alley.

This is a battle. The largest battle I've ever faced; the results of which could shape the rest of my life in ways I can't fathom. I can't afford to lose this. I'm sorry to my friends who will read this and worry. I'm sorry that I've been a recluse - and probably will be for a while. I'm sorry for my girlfriend, who's going to go on quite a ride with me if she so chooses.

Wish me luck.

COMMITMENT: To fight when others fold, pursue while others retreat, conquer while others quit, and make right when all else is wrong.

One Sentence Blog

2008-08-26T22:57:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been in a crowd of people, looked around, and tried to guess which ones in the group were sexual deviants?

Not the usual

2008-08-17T19:23:00.002-05:00

I've thought a lot about whether or not to post these thoughts, as I usually don't like to get too deep or serious. The few "serious" posts I've done on here have been jovial in nature, and this one isn't. I tend to avoid seriousness because I don't want to come off as whiny (I worry about that often). Also, I avoid seriousness because I'm such a happy-go-lucky person most of the time that when I express anything but humor, people worry about me - and I really don't like making others worry. But, in the end, I decided to put these thoughts out here, so here they are.

Recently, my parents have had to deal with a lot of bad things. I won't go into details because I'm not sure how much they'd like to have disclosed, but there's been quite a lot of stuff. Health problems, money problems, family problems - it's almost as if fate wanted to give them a little of everything. Now, there's nothing going on that's going to shatter us or anything (we're still doing well), but it's just a lot of stuff that's making life very difficult for them. These things inevitably send my mind into the many facets of fate, faith, chance, and justice. Philosophy ensued.

Also recently, it's occurred to me just how many devout religious people there are in my small hometown. I opened the local paper the other day and found an entire "opinion" page in which various writers discussed a variety of religious issues. Just yesterday, at the town parade, at least 1/4 of the floats/cars in the parade were representing the churches in town - and they were doing their damndest to recruit us all.

So religion/spirituality/faith has been on my mind quite often.

I've reached the point where I'm uninterested in debating the existence of a creator. I know how I feel on the subject of spirituality and I couldn't care less how anyone else feels. Whatever gets them through the day without going on a homicidal spree through Wal-Mart is fine by me. All I want from all the religious die-hards in the world is this:

Leave me the fuck alone.

I respect your beliefs. I also respect the level of faith that you have. In fact, I think it's a rather admirable character trait. But why, why, why, why, why do these holy men and women feel the need to spread themselves and their churches out like a virus across the land? Why can't they be satisfied in their own faith? It's taken me a very long time to find my spirituality and be comfortable with it, and for someone else to come up to me and claim to know the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth is fucking insulting. In essence, they're telling me that all I've built up during my life is wrong and I should just listen to them if I want true "salvation". It's even more insulting for these good Christian boys and girls (let's be honest with ourselves, you don't see any Buddhists pulling this shit, do you?) to get involved in politics, trying to elect one of their own in order to force the rest of the country to join with them. It kind of sounds like the Borg from Star Trek, doesn't it? RESISTENCE IS FUTILE.

It'd be funny if it weren't so damn pathetic.

Forgive me if I'm showing my ignorance in regards to organized religion, but I was under the assumption that these belief systems were founded on principles which included TOLERANCE. I could be wrong (and, actually, there was a guy I went to college with who claimed that the Bible doesn't say that we have to be nice to one another). Tolerance is all I'm really asking for. If, according to your religion, gay people are going to hell - fine. Let them go to hell peacefully. If you think I'll end up in purgatory becuase I haven't been "saved" or becuase I was never dunked in holy water - fine. Let me go peacefully. My afterlife has no influence or effect on you whatsoever, so don't worry about it.

It's a simple request, but one that I know can never be fulfilled.

DONE!!!!

2008-08-08T17:34:00.002-05:00

The paper is finished. Wow. The amazing thing is that I wasn't concerned about it at any point, really. I knew that it'd be okay. Perhaps this is indicative of my newfound sense personal organization and time management. Maybe, deep within my subconscious, I unlocked a world of confidence and self-worth, making the world around me clearer and allowing me to prioritze and organize myself into a fluid, efficient machine capable of handling any task given to me without emotion or stress.

Or maybe I just despise the professor and don't give two shits about her class and it's assignments.

Yeah, that last one sounds about right...

WJ

Summoner, cont.

2008-08-08T03:02:00.002-05:00

In case my last post wasn't clear, I'm working on a final 10 page paper for my class on Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. It is now 3:04 in the morning and I have finished gathering and organizing my research material. I will now go to bed, and write this son-of-a-bitch in the morning...that is, later in the morning. Since it technically is the morning right now. Well, no, it's not technically the morning, it is the morning.

Damn I need to go to sleep...

Wanna get away?

2008-08-08T00:35:00.006-05:00

It is 12:36 and I am knee deep in research on The Summoner and his tale from Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. Wa-fucking-hoo. To celebrate, I give you the following:

And last, but not least, here's something that sums up my mood perfectly.

Thank you, and good day.

My "El Guapo"

2008-08-06T22:33:00.007-05:00

"In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!"
- Lucky Day
"The Three Amigos"

For the uninitiated, El Guapo is the villain of the film "The Three Amigos." Lucky Day, one of the Three Amigos, gives the above speech to the town of Santa Poco in order to rally them to defeat the tyrant.

For myself, El Guapo is time. Not in the normal sense of the term (as in "I have no time to do anything") but in the sense that I can never organize the best use of my time. I have so many things that I want to do. Being a movie lover, there are hundreds of films I want to watch for the first time and thousands that I want to watch over again. I have hundreds of books I want to read, hundreds of stories that I want to write, dozens of games I want to play, dozens of songs I want to learn, and many, many people I want to spend time with. I am quite busy with work and school, but too often I find myself using that as a crutch or an excuse. Instead of coming home from school or work and doing one of the millions of things I want to do, I sit and do nothing. I mill around on the Internet, or just flop in a chair or bed and do absolutely nothing. Times when I do work on something, the hours fly by and before I know it, I have to quit to go to bed or be responsible and do something else.

Sometimes I think that I want too much - that all the things I want to do couldn't possibly fit in the narrow, budgeted, time restricted world we live in. Fifty years ago families ate breakfast and dinner together, everything was closed evenings and Sundays, and snail mail was the primary way to send and receive information other than chit-chat. Fast forward to now and eating in your car on the way to you 10-hr shift starting at 5 a.m. on Sunday morning is almost an Olympic event.

I've always battled between the "have-to's" and the "want-to's". This has often resulted in many casualties to myself and others. In order to fix a student loan problem, I had to ditch a gathering of my friends last night - many of whom already probably think I'm a flake. I feel like I'm gaining a reputation of being a hermit or a recluse - like Howard Hughes....but poorer. Much, much poorer. I always feel bad for my friends and family - because I'm in this constant cage match with time I don't get to spend much quality time with any of them (hell, most of my time with my girlfriend comes from classes or working together) and when I do I'm sure that I'm rather distant - my mind always churning away on other responsibilities or priorities.

I'm going to list some goals here. They're all going to be relatively short term goals because I'm not keen on long-term goals - I can never live up to them. I'm going to try and avoid making goals about spending time with people or anything like that because I don't want my friends and family thinking that they're just appointments on a checklist. What I'm going to put here are things that I'd like to do in the coming month or so in the hopes that putting it in writing will somehow help me conjure it into being (and get it off my mind).

GOALS FOR AUGUST
* Perfect my September 12 plans (unfortunately I can't go into any more detail here since they involve my lil' Knit Wit)
* Record and publish the first podcast created by Knit Wit and myself
* Post on here at least once a week, if not daily
* Complete pre-production (at least) on my "Final Battle" film with buddies Josh and Steve
* Read a book off my list
* Organize the beginning of this year's Film Club (I run a film production club with my local high school)
* Hold "Boll Bowl 2008" - A movie marathon of all the crappy Uwe Boll films
* Finish the first draft of my Shakespeare-based play

I think that's a good enough list for now. It's now one in the morning and I'm feeling much better. Let's just hope that translates into some of these bullet points getting accomplished.

Wow, I really do suck at this

2008-06-23T23:16:00.005-05:00

So, apparently, I've learned some magic over the years because I disappear and reappear at will. The wrestling and movie review posts I was planning went by the wayside, as most everything else did thanks to the play I was in. The play, by the way, was a smashing success both personally and for the theatre - I believe someone said that it was the highest grossing play of all the end-season plays the company has done. Personally, it helped me become able to be confident in my abilities on stage (and off as well). For years, I couldn't talk about myself in regards to theatre without feeling arrogant. But now, after 10 years of theatre, I can finally say that I love to entertain, and I'm pretty damn good at it, too.

Other than the play, not much has happened. My deathmatch with SIUE's financial aid has finally ended. I just had to wait them out, sitting on my hands. It screwed up my finances a lot, but I'm back to work now, so I'm just going to try and forget their ignorance ever happened. In the end, I don't have to deal with them anymore anyhow, so I'm willing to move on now.

Now that the play is over, I've decided on another creative project to work on, but I'm not going to jinx it by talking it up just yet.

What I really wanted to put down here right now was my feelings on the recent deaths of Stan Winston and one of my personal idols - George Carlin. In regards to Stan Winston, Hollywood has not only lost a great special effects artist, but an entire mindset of filmmaking is also gone. In this age of CGI, "wire-fu", and "bullet time", Stan's creature effects still stood out as superior. In all honesty, there's not much to say about him, as his work speaks volumes in and of itself. He was truly one of the greats, and his work will be sorely missed. Here's a fantastic video from the boys at joblo.com that covers his work quite nicely.

http://www.joblo.com/video/player.php?video=winstrontribute2

Now, with George Carlin, I've run into a bit of a dilemma. As I already said, he was one of my personal idols - a man whose comedy was some of the funniest stuff I will ever hear in my lifetime. On top of that, he was a thinking man and his bits about the silliness of the English language are part of the reason I'm going to be teaching English. When I learned that he died, I thought to do what many others did - I wanted to make some kind of tribute. I have all of his work - hell, it wouldn't be that hard to string some of it together for a video. I quickly came to my senses, however, when I remembered all that Carlin stood for in his work: in his own opinion, he was simply a guy who wanted to entertain. He was never a "celebrity" and never wanted to be one. He always seemed to be one of the most humble men ever to walk the earth - repeatedly bashing his own acting talents in every interview in which he was asked about them. Then, I remembered this excerpt from his first book Brain Droppings from 1997.

SUPER-CELEB KICKS BUCKET

I dread the deaths of certain super-celebrities. Not because I care about them, but because of all the shit I have to endure on television when one of them dies. All those tributes and retrospectives. And the bigger the personality, the worse it is.

For instance, imagine the crap we'll have to endure on TV when Bob Hope dies. First of all, they'll show clips from all his old road movies with Bing Crosby, and you can bet that some news anchor asshole will turn to the pile of clothing next to him and say, "Well, Tami, I imagine Bob's on the Road to Heaven now."

Then there'll be clips of all those funny costumes he wore on his TV specials, including the hippie sketch, where they'll show him saying, "Far out, man, far out!" They'll show him golfing with dead presidents, kissing blonde bombshells, and entertaining troops in every war since we beat the shit out of the Peloponnesians. And at some point, a seventy-year-old veteran will choke up, and say, "I just missed seein' him at Iwo, 'cause I got my legs blowed off. He's quite a guy."

Ex-presidents (including the dead ones) will line up four abreast to tell us what a great American he was; show-business perennials will desert golf courses from Palm Springs to O.J.'s lawn to lament sadly as how this time, "Bob hooked one into the woods"; and, regarding his talent, a short comedian in a checkered hat will speak revering his talent, a short comedian in a checkered hat will speak reverently about "Hope's incredible timing."

And this stuff will be on every single newscast day and night for a week. There'll be special one-hour salutes on "Good Morning America," the "Today" show, and "CBS This Morning." Ted Koppel will ask Henry Kissinger if it's true Bob Hope actually shortened some of our wars by telling jokes close to the frontlines. CNN will do a series of expanded "Show Biz Todays." One of the cable channels will do a one-week marathon of his movies. and it goes without saying that NBC will put together a three-hour, prime-time special called "Thanks for the Memories," but at the last minute they'll realize Bob Hope's audience skews older, and sell it to CBS.

Then there'll be the funeral, carried live on the Dead Celebrity Channel, with thousands of grotesque acne-ridden fans seeking autographs from all the show-business clowns who dug out their best black golfing outfits to attend "one of the hottest burials to hit this town in decades" - Variety.

And all this shit will go on for weeks and weeks and weeks. Until Milton Berle dies. And then it will start all over again. I dare not even contemplate Frank Sinatra and Ronald Reagan.

On top of being someone that doesn't get all mushy about celebrities, Carlin was one who understood the nature of life on this planet going back to his first HBO special. "You're all going to die. Didn't mean to remind you of it, but it is on your schedule. Yes, it probably won't happen when you want. Usually comes along when you're not expecting. Generally, you have your stamp collection out, you know. (Looking to the heavens) Now? (Looking down from the heavens) Now."

Because of these reminders, I rejected my urge to tribute Mr. Carlin in a video retrospective with sappy music playing in the background. This here may be considered a tribute, but oh well. He's still one of my idols and forever will be - and the fact that he understood and refused to fear death makes his dying a little easier to swallow. In the end, the best thing to say about George Carlin came from his own mouth when asked what he would like the epitaph on his tombstone to be:

George Carlin

May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

He was here just a minute ago...

And we're back!

2008-05-25T20:04:00.003-05:00

After that brief commercial break, we're back with more news and information from the everyday life of Whiskey Joe.

So, yeah, I've realized that I'm not very good at this blogging thing. It's not that I don't enjoy it, or that I don't want to let people know what's going on with me, I just don't think to do it. I get wrapped up in other things and just neglect it. It's similar to my everyday experience with photography - I want pictures of me with my friends, at parties, or whatever, I just don't think to take pictures at the time. In fact, my girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and I think I have about 6 pictures with her - two from halloween and about four from X-Mas. In both cases, I'm attempting to remedy the situation.

Updating about myself: I am currently sick and mostly voiceless...which is probably why I'm making the time to blog. I've been in my room for the past few days doing absolutely nothing. I missed my family's Memorial Day BBQ and fun day (I'm not too pleased about that) but spent the day watching wrestling DVD's (a decent substitute). As my uncle so elequently put it, "If he missed a meal, he must be sick. Take him to the hospital!" Well, I'm not that sick, but I guess ridicule is what I get for trying to avoid spreading whatever I have. :)

I am currently in a play! I've been meaning to blog about that for a while but as soon as I was cast, we started rehearsals and I've lost even more time. The play is called "Don't Drink the Water" and it's written by Woody Allen. It's very funny and has a lot of unique characters. It opens on June 13th (a Friday - eek!!!!) and runs that weekend and the next.

I'm currently in a deathmatch with SIUE's financial aid. I don't intend to bore you with the intricate details of the struggle, so here's the short version. For four (4!) months I patiently waited for them to process my summer financial aid packet becuase I could not continue to work on campus until I was financially cleared. TWO DAYS BEFORE THE DEADLINE, they finally got to me and realized that there was a problem with my financial aid - I needed to go through the process of getting a new lender. I did so and am now patiently waiting for it to go through. Meanwhile, they throw their hands up and tell me that I'm just screwed out of work. My problem lies in the fact that they won't even take responsibility for the delay in processing. I understand that I can't work until this money situation is resolved, but had they done their job when they were supposed to, I wouldn't be here now. All I want from them now is the acknowledgement that they screwed me and the attempt to look like they will try to fix it for the future. Unfortunately, this is too much for them. I continue to climb the heirarchy, searching for someone to bitch to that will listen and take some kind of action.

Summer classes start this week I believe. I hope to be well by then becuase it would really suck ass to miss the first day or attend miserable.

On a brighter note, I've spent lots of time with my gf recently. We went to the zoo, the Science Center, miniature golfing, and I even took her with me to a local wrestling show. I don't think she'll be going back with me next time, though. Maybe it had something to do with the one guy assaulting the other during their match with a staplegun...

So, that's a brief update of my everyday life. I'm planning some other posts soon for anyone interested (some movie reviews and one about the current state of wrestling). As it appears, I'll be sitting here for another few hours, so you might get another one very soon!

Later
WJ

I'm not dead yet!

2008-05-04T12:40:00.002-05:00

I've been neglecting some things over the past few weeks - friends, Romans, countrymen, WWE...well, I haven't been neglecting them so much as IGNORING them for their stupidity and unoriginality (but that's a blog for another day...really it is, I've been working on it for a while). Right now I just wanted to post that it's finals week and that's the reason I've gone AWOL. As soon as I'm done (which should be in a couple of days) I'll throw up a few posts updating the world on the state of me (I'm sure thousands are holding their breath in anticipation).

Later.

P.S. - GO SEE IRON MAN!!!!

And cue The Smashing Pumpkins...

2008-04-02T15:31:00.002-05:00

Wow. What an eye-opening day today has been. And technically, it's not over yet (although I've mentally checked out - to hell with the Gothic Literature test tomorrow).

For the uninitiated, I'm currently in the process of obtaining a Master's degree in education so that I can corrupt the innocent minds of teenagers. This morning was my first attempt at teaching a lesson to actual, live teenage students (I practice on cardboard cutouts at home) and it went better than I imagined it would. There were a few stumbles, and the first few sentences out of my mouth were pretty much incoherent rambles, but overall they dug what I had to offer them. A student in the class after the one I taught even came in and told me that she heard all about how cool I was (You hear that, Whiskey Joe-haters? TEENAGERS THINK I'M COOL!).

Today was about more than stumbling through a fifty minute lecture, however. As many close to me know, I've had some major complaints and grievances about the system of educating teachers. I feel that there is way too much theory and not enough immersion in the actual education system. The first few classes I had in the education program were classes discussing how schools should be run and how teachers should act. I don't know about anyone else, but before I theorize about how something should be, I usually like to know how it actually is first. But, of course, I use a little thing called logic (you may have heard of it) and, as we all know, that's not very fashionable these days.

Anyways, getting off my soap box, today was the big test for me. I honestly feel that if I bombed bad enough, I'd be quitting school right now. The decision to come back to school for my Master's was not an easy one, and if I found out that I was wasting my time on something I didn't love (and wasn't even good enough at to fake loving) I would be crushed and, as my adorable girlfriend keeps threatening, I'd run away to Tanzania. Probably with a circus of some kind. As the knife-thrower's assistant.

But I took to interacting with these kids like a duck to water. Maybe it has something to do with having two sisters in high school now, but it was so natural to talk with them. The only real hitch I have to overcome is planning lessons more thoroughly (we flew through what I had planned to discuss with twenty minutes of classtime left, so I had to b.s. on my feet to come up with something for them to do). And that's just technical stuff that can easily be acquired.

Since beginning this sojourn, I've doubted myself and my choice nearly every step of the way (as I'm sure everyone does when making life altering decisions). This seemingly insignificant lesson that I taught today (that didn't even fit in with the unit the class was on at this time) was, to me, like beating Goro in the original Mortal Kombat. I know that there's another hurdle before the game is over, but by God, after kicking this four-armed behemoth's ass, I feel damn near indestructible.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get drunk.

Reason number 675 why God hates me...

2008-03-07T08:31:00.002-06:00

So this weekend, my girlfriend (take a gander at her blog here) and I are going up to visit her family. Before we could leave today, however, I had to go do some observation at a high school for one of my education classes. Now, I'm not one for organization, but I was on the ball today...mostly....well, more than usual, let's say.

Okay, I actually left fifteen minutes late.

But the fact that I didn't forget anything and had my bag packed last night is an improvement for me. So I'm just driving along, listening to Bill Hicks' comedy of hate (funny shit, if you get the chance to hear it) when I get a shaking sensation - like I'm driving over a million tiny speedbumps. It's a very unfamiliar feeling, yet, somehow, I know exactly what it is.

Flat tire.

Something punctured my goddamn tire.

If there is such a thing as one God looking over us all, he either hates me, or loves a good practical joke. Either way, I'm going to have to have a talk with him...

And, cue choir of angels...

2008-03-06T17:25:00.003-06:00

Don't get used to two posts in one day - I have no assignments to work on and I'm watching Chuck Norris movies while waiting for a night class, so this is a special circumstance. Anyway, with this post, I just wanted to promote the greatest thing since the lava lamp.

Oh my lord - this thing is like hosing your sinuses with liquified Halls cough drops. And, yeah, it feels that weird. But I'll be damned if it doesn't work like a charm. I've been breathing easily for the past three hours now and my head no longer feels like a Mardi Gras head.

Where have you been all of my life, baby?

Finally!!!!

2008-03-06T17:08:00.002-06:00

As if this statement needed to be made, I am a professional wrestling fanatic. I've been one for just about as long as I can remember. One of the best periods for wrestling fans was during the 1990s when the WWE (then WWF) and WCW were going head-to-head. In 2001, however, WCW was gutshot, and bleeding money in gallons. WWE, seizing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, bought their opposition.

Ever since then, they've had abolutely no friggin' clue what to do with it.

When they purchased WCW, they acquired an amazing library of film. Every WCW event ever recorded (and a ton of events pre-existing the company) was at Vince McMahon's fingertips. Their usage of this libary so far has been disappointing, to say the least. We've gotten some superstar retrospective DVDs that utilized this classic footage (Ric Flair, The Four Horsemen, Dusty Rhodes, Rey Misterio, Chris Benoit), but no real WCW tribute. Now, we're about to get our first full-fledged WCW themed DVD on July 8th: The Best of Starrcade. Right now there's no information about what matches are on there or how many discs it will be, but the simple fact that WWE is releasing a WCW themed DVD is, without exaggeration, a miracle.

Why is it a miracle? My theory is that Vince McMahon has one hell of an ego. It can be seen when he staged the WCW Invasion storyline shortly after Wrestlemania 17 - not a single WCW wrestler was made to look like a legitimate threat to the WWE roster. Most wrestling fans point to this as one of the biggest screw ups in wrestling history. So much money was wasted just becuase Vince didn't want to admit that WCW was in his league.

Hopefully now, however, Vince understands that the fans love nostalgia. My only concern is that ego may still get in the way - since many WCW stars are not currently on good terms with Vince, it is conceivable that they may not appear at all on the DVD.

In any case, I'm still excited to see WCW get some love. Without that company, much of what we love about WWE today would not exist.

Introduction

2008-03-04T00:21:00.003-06:00

This is probably the best picture of me ever taken...I'm not in it at all! But let's see here, we have the WWE Championship belt (the John Cena spinner version, of course), my favorite movie, one of my favorite piano pieces, arguably the greatest comic villain ever created, my vote for the greatest console first-person-shooter of all time, and the red square is my first attempt at learning to knit (I call it a coaster). The only thing I didn't get to put in there was something literature/theatre related...which is quite an oversight, to be honest, as that's the profession I'm headed into.

I'm getting my Master's degree in Education right now - I've got about a year left. While taking the Master's courses I'm also taking English courses as well. I want to teach high school English and, for some reason, the people giving me my M.A. seem to think that I should be knowledgeable in the subject I'm going to teach (they've obviously never been to high school). English is my career, but theatre and film are my passion. Hopefully, I'll be in a play and/or do some filming this summer and will be able to post up some pictures or videos of that. That'd be cool.

This is a stressful time for me, but it's also the biggest period of growth I've ever gone through in my life. The past couple of years have been very topsy-turvy for me (even though I'm not completely sure what the hell topsy-turvy really means). I've made some big bad mistakes; I've made some brilliant decisions. I fell into debt, fell madly in love, and a case of toilet seats fell on my head. I feel old, but at the same time don't feel like anything's really changed. What I'm trying to say here is that you're lucky I'm writing all this shit down, because this is the most fucked up period of my young adult life.

A word on the blog's title: Whiskey Joe is a character I created on a few wrestling video games dating back to around 1998. He's a funkadelic, happy-go-lucky wiseguy who has fun wherever he is, whatever he's doing. In esscence, he's the personification of everything I've ever wanted to be. Therefore, since I'm currently on the path to becoming that person (or, at least, trying to become that person) I thought it fitting that since I'd rather avoid using my real name on such a public forum, I'd take up the persona that I'm shooting for.

I'm sure most of you reading this already know me and know all the crap I just rambled on about, as I created this so that I could keep you all updated on what's going on with me, but I thought I'd throw this picture and brief summary up there for anyone who stumbled across this blog and said, "Whiskey Joe's Bar and Grill? WTF?!?!?!"

Although I'm sure that "WTF?!?!?!" reactions will be the norm for this blog...